Extreme Fear
So I've got this low grade fear that at some point my sister in law will sign me up for an extreme or queer or whatever makeover. Some dude will show up with cameras and I'll have to go to jail for "kicking em in the nards" (Monster Squad reference).
Once upon a time the only "extreme" thing out there was the X games and they were already beyond the use of the word extreme. A bunch of stoner types decide not to be a part of mainstream culture and created their own quasi punk culture / industry out of it. My type of people really.
Now they want to make yas like the six million dollar man. Hey your fat and ugly but we can fix that and it will change your life. How shallow can yas get.
Now the thing is I actually got caught up in the whirlpool of actually watching a couple of episodes and at the time I thought "Free Fat sucking (no idea how to spell the L word and unwilling to look it up) and access to a physical trainer. I could go for that." It sucked me in! As the idea sunk in further I thought to myself, "But I like my face. I don't want some guy telling me how he can improve it. I just want the new American Dream of instant gratification weight loss not this guy with the scalpel and my face."
And I could never get past the wardrobe bit. They would try to dress me up in something other than jeans and a t shirt. They might try to get rid of my denim jacket. What about my aged fleece. My bikini briefs! They might let me keep those. I refuse to buy any sort of clothes that is so in this season ( well as I'm without money that is a bit of a lame statement but you get the gist of my feeling). The amount of money people waste on new clothes just appalls me. They could be getting great computers or gadgets or toys!
Then there is the room or house make over. Stay away from my sacred resting area under pain of pain! I wake up from nightmares where I walk into a pink or purple room and my sister in law is smiling and says something like, "Look what I did for you!" The Horror.
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Once upon a time the only "extreme" thing out there was the X games and they were already beyond the use of the word extreme. A bunch of stoner types decide not to be a part of mainstream culture and created their own quasi punk culture / industry out of it. My type of people really.
Now they want to make yas like the six million dollar man. Hey your fat and ugly but we can fix that and it will change your life. How shallow can yas get.
Now the thing is I actually got caught up in the whirlpool of actually watching a couple of episodes and at the time I thought "Free Fat sucking (no idea how to spell the L word and unwilling to look it up) and access to a physical trainer. I could go for that." It sucked me in! As the idea sunk in further I thought to myself, "But I like my face. I don't want some guy telling me how he can improve it. I just want the new American Dream of instant gratification weight loss not this guy with the scalpel and my face."
And I could never get past the wardrobe bit. They would try to dress me up in something other than jeans and a t shirt. They might try to get rid of my denim jacket. What about my aged fleece. My bikini briefs! They might let me keep those. I refuse to buy any sort of clothes that is so in this season ( well as I'm without money that is a bit of a lame statement but you get the gist of my feeling). The amount of money people waste on new clothes just appalls me. They could be getting great computers or gadgets or toys!
Then there is the room or house make over. Stay away from my sacred resting area under pain of pain! I wake up from nightmares where I walk into a pink or purple room and my sister in law is smiling and says something like, "Look what I did for you!" The Horror.
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posted by Rich Rosenthal II at 1:41 AM
8 Comments:
i share a similar fear. the idea that one of my sisters might decide it would be funny to see me in make up and a dress without me having lost a dare is terrifying.
liposuction rules. getting the fat simply sucked out in a day is beautiful.
i agree you shouldn't let anyone touch your face. you wouldn't be Rich with a new jaw or whatever they decide to feature the day you're on the show.
now if they offered a functional third eye......
In the middle of the forehead ?
nah. maybe in the back of the head. i would like to have a third eye on one of my fingers so i could look for change under the couch or under the vending machines at work without being obvious.
Men would just look under skirts
whatever man. i could be an incognito change bum.
Wasnt there a guy in the Beast Master who had an eyeball in hso hand ?
i would have to ask my sister. i only watched one episode of Beast Master. regardless, i'd still like a functional eye on one of my fingertips. granted, it would get poked out within a few days as i am clumsy, but it would be fun while i had it.
Maybe yas should buy a fiber optic cable and play with it.
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