Super Man
For my next trick I'm going to show just how incredibly secure in my manhood I am by complaining about something that we almost universally here from the other gender: Tonight I chipped a nail!
Ok maybe it was a little more than that. Reaching to pet a cat that deftly dived away from me, I jammed my fingernail into a piece of cardboard. One might think that a piece of cardboard shouldn't be able to do much damage. One would be wrong. It manage to get between my fingernail and my finger in such a way so as to split the nail about half way down my finger almost half way across.
The event itself wasn't that painful. I washed and bandaged my pinky and went about my usual business of using the computer to kill virtual creatures. This is when I noticed that the regular bandage did a terrible job of holding the nail down. Every time I depressed a key with my pinky the nail would raise away from the skin in a rather painful way, This would not do. It would be months before I could safely trim the nail without risking it becoming an ingrown nail.
I thought I might have to break down and step foot inside a nail salon. My man club card would be forfeit, but I hear tell that women have these polish like substances to strengthen the nail.
Fortunately the old man had another solution. He introduced me to Skin Shield with pain reliever! I could just paint this stuff on my nail every day and no one would be the wiser. So the old man applied the liquid bandage to the wound and I cried out in shock. Apparently that burning sensation is pain relief. Maybe I'm wired wrong but that stuff hurts.
Anyway the skin shield does the job off holding the nail in place. I can type pain free and without worrying about what might be getting underneath my nail as it is now sealed against my skin. This solution isn't exactly aesthetically pleasing. The bandage doesn't spread smoothly so my nail looks a bit warped and there is a slight yellow hew. I'd say it resembles a nail fungus. I guess I'll have to live with it.
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Ok maybe it was a little more than that. Reaching to pet a cat that deftly dived away from me, I jammed my fingernail into a piece of cardboard. One might think that a piece of cardboard shouldn't be able to do much damage. One would be wrong. It manage to get between my fingernail and my finger in such a way so as to split the nail about half way down my finger almost half way across.
The event itself wasn't that painful. I washed and bandaged my pinky and went about my usual business of using the computer to kill virtual creatures. This is when I noticed that the regular bandage did a terrible job of holding the nail down. Every time I depressed a key with my pinky the nail would raise away from the skin in a rather painful way, This would not do. It would be months before I could safely trim the nail without risking it becoming an ingrown nail.
I thought I might have to break down and step foot inside a nail salon. My man club card would be forfeit, but I hear tell that women have these polish like substances to strengthen the nail.
Fortunately the old man had another solution. He introduced me to Skin Shield with pain reliever! I could just paint this stuff on my nail every day and no one would be the wiser. So the old man applied the liquid bandage to the wound and I cried out in shock. Apparently that burning sensation is pain relief. Maybe I'm wired wrong but that stuff hurts.
Anyway the skin shield does the job off holding the nail in place. I can type pain free and without worrying about what might be getting underneath my nail as it is now sealed against my skin. This solution isn't exactly aesthetically pleasing. The bandage doesn't spread smoothly so my nail looks a bit warped and there is a slight yellow hew. I'd say it resembles a nail fungus. I guess I'll have to live with it.
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posted by Rich Rosenthal II at 3:12 AM
2 Comments:
Mr. Rosethal, I highly recommend you offer up your suffering for the Poor Souls in Purgatory, and I'll offer up mine for you when you get there.
Ooooh - just reading this hurts. You're a pretty tough guy if jamming cardboard half-way down the inside of your nail didn't hurt. I'm impressed.
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