Five Adults
Four Cats. One Baby. One bathroom. One washing machine.
So Joe cool and I used to badly quote parts of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas at each other. The part that seems appropriate to my life now is right near the beginning where the attorney ask Johnny Depp (as Hunter S. Thompson) if he is prepared to check commit a fraud by checking into a hotel under a false identity while doped to the gills on a hallucinogenic and knowing that they are carrying around a brief case of "Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect two hundred dollars." He doesn't actually say that but you get the idea.
We got this kid coming back to the house in a couple days. Not that she is mine, but I assume the life of everyone in the household for some time to come will revolve around the life of the new born.
At the same time I saw the doctor the other day. $125 for a new patient self pay visit. Not that I paid. I stepped on a scale that could weigh me for the first time in a long time. The last time I remember stepping on a scale I was working at a steel warehouse and that was in 1996. I thought I was topping out at maybe 310 or 315 pounds. The scale said 339. I was a little shocked by the number. I remember thinking I was over weight at 300 pounds and wanting to get down to under 280. The goal the doctor and I set was to try and loose 39 pounds by labor day. This seems reasonable.
Then there was the entire good cholesterol bad cholesterol thing. Who would think they would have to worry about it at the age of thirty. My good stuff is too low. My bad stuff is too high.
My blood pressure is elevated. The doc says a healthy thirty year old male should not be on cholesterol lowering medication. As it stands now he says I need the medication. So I need to come back in six weeks to see if diet and exercise work to reduce my blood pressure enough or if he needs to prescribe medication as well. This is something he doesn't want to do as it encourages me to live an unhealthy life style. I just am not ready to hit that age where pills are a regular part of my every day life. I don't want them.
Then we touched briefly on the emotional / spiritual well being stuff. He asked about my faith. Faith groups can be a great support structure for a person as well as help to give a person purpose and meaning. I more of a secular humanist though and that leaves me with fewer options in that direction. I was given the name of a clinical psychologist. I've been mulling over this for a few days. On the one hand its a lot of money to ask the parents to dish out. On the other hand I'm just sitting here sucking up resources most days so the cost of talking to a psychologist may pay for itself in allowing me to re enter society. I lean towards this option not so much because I want to talk to a therapist, I'm pretty well terrified of letting anyone screw up my brain any more than I already have, but I also disdain the happy pill approach to functionality. I want to be able to read think and write out of the craziness that is me and fear the idea of it being altered in any way through daily medication.
At the same time it would be nice to finish my English literature degree. I have no idea what I could do with it. I had hoped to use it to get into a masters of the fine arts program. I do not see how that is possible or even would I could do with a MFA. What do I want do for a living. This: Observe the world write about it. I want to be the wandering guru of yore. I wan to speak my mind and have people contemplate my ideas even if they don't act on them. I want to some day publish a text book on the undercurrent of English literature since there has been an American literature. I want to be able to sit in a room and not feel I have to scream at the morons who keep going on about the irrelevant an the inane.
To do all this I'm going to need time energy and motivation. To do all of this I need to be alive thirty or forty years down the road and not suffering from some coronary disease or diabetes or dead.
So social coping mechanisms and anger management, diet and exercise. The knowledge of need and the desire to change. I hear these are often the first steps in recovery programs and while I refuse to completely adopt their language, their surrender to the greater force, I do understand that it is progress of a sorts and wonder where it will take me.
So Why do I start with talking about the new life and the busy house? Partly I like to start and finish in the same place. She is a potential all her own and while I'm sure she will be neurotic in some weird way just like every other human being, I'm hoping she gets the social part right. It seems to be the foundation we stand on. When we know ourselves and how to interact with others, the rest while it may not be easy, becomes easier. That is my wish or blessing or prayer.
More Laters
So Joe cool and I used to badly quote parts of Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas at each other. The part that seems appropriate to my life now is right near the beginning where the attorney ask Johnny Depp (as Hunter S. Thompson) if he is prepared to check commit a fraud by checking into a hotel under a false identity while doped to the gills on a hallucinogenic and knowing that they are carrying around a brief case of "Go directly to jail. Do not pass go. Do not collect two hundred dollars." He doesn't actually say that but you get the idea.
We got this kid coming back to the house in a couple days. Not that she is mine, but I assume the life of everyone in the household for some time to come will revolve around the life of the new born.
At the same time I saw the doctor the other day. $125 for a new patient self pay visit. Not that I paid. I stepped on a scale that could weigh me for the first time in a long time. The last time I remember stepping on a scale I was working at a steel warehouse and that was in 1996. I thought I was topping out at maybe 310 or 315 pounds. The scale said 339. I was a little shocked by the number. I remember thinking I was over weight at 300 pounds and wanting to get down to under 280. The goal the doctor and I set was to try and loose 39 pounds by labor day. This seems reasonable.
Then there was the entire good cholesterol bad cholesterol thing. Who would think they would have to worry about it at the age of thirty. My good stuff is too low. My bad stuff is too high.
My blood pressure is elevated. The doc says a healthy thirty year old male should not be on cholesterol lowering medication. As it stands now he says I need the medication. So I need to come back in six weeks to see if diet and exercise work to reduce my blood pressure enough or if he needs to prescribe medication as well. This is something he doesn't want to do as it encourages me to live an unhealthy life style. I just am not ready to hit that age where pills are a regular part of my every day life. I don't want them.
Then we touched briefly on the emotional / spiritual well being stuff. He asked about my faith. Faith groups can be a great support structure for a person as well as help to give a person purpose and meaning. I more of a secular humanist though and that leaves me with fewer options in that direction. I was given the name of a clinical psychologist. I've been mulling over this for a few days. On the one hand its a lot of money to ask the parents to dish out. On the other hand I'm just sitting here sucking up resources most days so the cost of talking to a psychologist may pay for itself in allowing me to re enter society. I lean towards this option not so much because I want to talk to a therapist, I'm pretty well terrified of letting anyone screw up my brain any more than I already have, but I also disdain the happy pill approach to functionality. I want to be able to read think and write out of the craziness that is me and fear the idea of it being altered in any way through daily medication.
At the same time it would be nice to finish my English literature degree. I have no idea what I could do with it. I had hoped to use it to get into a masters of the fine arts program. I do not see how that is possible or even would I could do with a MFA. What do I want do for a living. This: Observe the world write about it. I want to be the wandering guru of yore. I wan to speak my mind and have people contemplate my ideas even if they don't act on them. I want to some day publish a text book on the undercurrent of English literature since there has been an American literature. I want to be able to sit in a room and not feel I have to scream at the morons who keep going on about the irrelevant an the inane.
To do all this I'm going to need time energy and motivation. To do all of this I need to be alive thirty or forty years down the road and not suffering from some coronary disease or diabetes or dead.
So social coping mechanisms and anger management, diet and exercise. The knowledge of need and the desire to change. I hear these are often the first steps in recovery programs and while I refuse to completely adopt their language, their surrender to the greater force, I do understand that it is progress of a sorts and wonder where it will take me.
So Why do I start with talking about the new life and the busy house? Partly I like to start and finish in the same place. She is a potential all her own and while I'm sure she will be neurotic in some weird way just like every other human being, I'm hoping she gets the social part right. It seems to be the foundation we stand on. When we know ourselves and how to interact with others, the rest while it may not be easy, becomes easier. That is my wish or blessing or prayer.
More Laters
posted by Rich Rosenthal II at 2:54 AM
6 Comments:
Sounds kinda' like you're in the middle of a fucking reptile zoo! (my own personal favorite line)
Go to a psychologist. Everyone should. Too bad its so expensive. Having an outside, objective voice to help you sort stuff out and look at things differently is never a bad thing.
Hi Rich. I haven't stopped by in awhile. Sounds like the doc visit has put you in crisis mode a bit. I've been avoiding going to my check up for the same reason. Afraid of the results. I think I need a personal nag who will follow me around and remind me what to eat/not eat and when would be a good time to workout. I'd offer to be your personal nag, but I'm not sure internet nagging would be very effective. Anyway, I'm sending the support vibe your way. Please send one this way too!
Congrats on your niece!
Kim from RH
READ MY LIPS: Start taking care of yourself, boy! You do not want to end up with the consequences of your health problems in 20 years. Trust me! One of the problems of "brightness" is the ability to try and shortcut through thinking our way through life. See a shrink and find a happy place...and, sometimes a happy place is just not being unhappy. You can write back and rip me a new one if you want...but, as all mothers say...it's only because I care...
I agree with portuguesa nova - go. I have used a therapist three different times over the past 15 years (I guess I average one every 5 years) and it is definitely worthwhile.
Moving post. Thanks.
Thank you all for the concern. I'm working with the doc and I was just seeing if I was able to write about it. Kind of an experiment in seeing where I am at with my sefl honesty before the walls of my mental social framework crash in. I could never have written anything that personal years ago and the thought of actually letting other people read it would never enter into my mind. While the blog is of course for me two write in (and shy and joe cool when they so choose) I wanted to know if I can work on some of the auto biographical stories I wanted to write for publication. Looks like I'm getting there. If I ever start talking about crazy crazy red heads from days gone by its time to start strucuring other writing time into the day.
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