Wool Blanket Weather
As a younger man I was enchanted by this season. The crisp air wakes you up. One can spend hours walking along and looking at the colors of the trees. It is pleasant to watch the shades change with each passing day. There is even a different sound in the air ss all the evil noise making bugs like crickets and such do what ever it is they do to survive. At night I get to burrow under my wool blanket and revel in the luxury of its soft warmth.
I am beginning, however, to really resent the change in weather. My joints are talking to me in ways they never had before. I have aches and pains in areas of the body I've never paid much attention to. I start to whine about my aches and pains as if I were fifty years old instead of thirty.
I know these problems can be greatly reduced with weight loss, and believe you me, having ones bodiy parts ache for no apparent reason is enough to motivate even the laziest of men into exercise action, but the rest of this problem is the damp.
The old man likes to say that if he hadn't been born in Chicago, he wouldn't live here. Its cold and wet most of the fall and winter and then its really freakishly cold and the place has a history of being buried under huge amounts of snow every couple years. The spring comes late and last for all of maybe two minutes before the temperature leaps up into the nineties. Chicago is the place where all the seniors in Florida and Arizona come from. People spend half their lives in this miserable weather and they wake up one morning and say, "Hey I'm to old for this (explicative deleted)" and head south.
I think the next part of my Master Plan (to take over the world) will be a 1 for 1 exchange with Mexico. For every person that comes north of the border we send one senior down to special retirement communities. We can have slogans like, "Hate the weather? Get closer to the equator!" or "Your social security will go a lot further in an impoverished nation." "Your children dont visit you anyway. Why not be comfortable." "Make room for the migrant workers and they will make room for you."
Anyway the point is that when I wake up under my luxurious wool blanket in the morning, it is the only time I'm truly comfortable. I want to lay their and bask in it all day. It's almost better than the summer and the constant heat, because there is a noticeable absence of pain. I'd move south, but the I'd be comfortable and never exercise, and probably die an early death. Better to suffer. It is motivational.
In Summary : My minions haven't conquered the world yet. It isn't feasible or practical for all my fellow overweight arthritis suffers to move warm places like Florida and Arizona, and the seniors would probably be mad at us if we did. I suggest we work on weight loss, invest in wool blankets and clothing, and physically harm anyone who dares to interrupt our sleep with things like work or responsibilities.
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I am beginning, however, to really resent the change in weather. My joints are talking to me in ways they never had before. I have aches and pains in areas of the body I've never paid much attention to. I start to whine about my aches and pains as if I were fifty years old instead of thirty.
I know these problems can be greatly reduced with weight loss, and believe you me, having ones bodiy parts ache for no apparent reason is enough to motivate even the laziest of men into exercise action, but the rest of this problem is the damp.
The old man likes to say that if he hadn't been born in Chicago, he wouldn't live here. Its cold and wet most of the fall and winter and then its really freakishly cold and the place has a history of being buried under huge amounts of snow every couple years. The spring comes late and last for all of maybe two minutes before the temperature leaps up into the nineties. Chicago is the place where all the seniors in Florida and Arizona come from. People spend half their lives in this miserable weather and they wake up one morning and say, "Hey I'm to old for this (explicative deleted)" and head south.
I think the next part of my Master Plan (to take over the world) will be a 1 for 1 exchange with Mexico. For every person that comes north of the border we send one senior down to special retirement communities. We can have slogans like, "Hate the weather? Get closer to the equator!" or "Your social security will go a lot further in an impoverished nation." "Your children dont visit you anyway. Why not be comfortable." "Make room for the migrant workers and they will make room for you."
Anyway the point is that when I wake up under my luxurious wool blanket in the morning, it is the only time I'm truly comfortable. I want to lay their and bask in it all day. It's almost better than the summer and the constant heat, because there is a noticeable absence of pain. I'd move south, but the I'd be comfortable and never exercise, and probably die an early death. Better to suffer. It is motivational.
In Summary : My minions haven't conquered the world yet. It isn't feasible or practical for all my fellow overweight arthritis suffers to move warm places like Florida and Arizona, and the seniors would probably be mad at us if we did. I suggest we work on weight loss, invest in wool blankets and clothing, and physically harm anyone who dares to interrupt our sleep with things like work or responsibilities.
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posted by Rich Rosenthal II at 2:48 PM
5 Comments:
Bring on the blankets. Hiding on the couch beneath a blanket is one of my hobbies.
This will be my first Chicago winter. Let it snow.
You want exercise? Try this:
http://www.fastexercise.com
An exercise machine the costs a mere $14,615. Looking at it, I can't even imagine what the hell it does or how to use it. For fourteen large, though, it better involve multiple orgasms.
Richard Rosenthal, you are not an old man!!!
Sweetpotato, my sister and I tried out the Gazelle once when it was on display in Target. Very, very disappointing but hilarious. The thing is really super shoddy.
My theory on crappy midwestern winter: it is the same all over, if you have to suffer through it, you may as well be in Chicago.
I have written before about how my grandparents live in a retirement community in Mexico for a big chunk of the year--it started out as three months in their Winnebago, they now have a house there and have reversed things comletely, they escape to Minnesota to get away from the sweltering summers in Mexico. They claim it is paradise. Though you have to like spicy food.
Oh man, I miss that weather. I just moved to Galveston, TX a month ago. It hit 80 degrees today, and we were still below the average high.
I'll trade you summers here for winters there. Bitter wind chills and slippery road for hurricanes and 106 degree, mirage-laden afternoons.
Actually, I take that back. . . this will be the first winter since I could drive where I won't have to scrape the car windows.
sp -- Holy Crap! I thought that was just a geiko commercial joke. that machine looks scary. Groin pull! Ouch!
Shy -- I remember the lump on the couch at the pierce street place was often a shy under a blanket. Then there was the two behemoths in the lazy boy chairs eating pizzas (aka joe cool and yours truly)
Katzwinkel -- the machine looks pretty neat, but unless its made of titanium i can't see how they can charge that much. maybe it does induce orgasms.
Portugese Nova -- I know I'm not old. The weather just makes me wine like an old fart. warrgh my aching joints. waaargh.
Chris -- Thats the problem with those gulf warm places, the hurricanes. Get tornadoes down state. Desert life is looking better.
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