The Cell Borg
We've been invaded.
People haven't caught on yet, because the invasion was hidden the only ways something so massive can be hidden in the twenty four hour news age. It is by completely swamping every form of media (television, radio, newspapers, websites, billboards and any flat surface of public transportation) with cell phone related news, tidbits and advertisements. Every other night the local TV station will do a "special segment" (also known as a sweeps ratings booster) on the current trend in cellular technology or the current cell phone related laws and how they will affect you. Every fax machine has a cell phone offer roll off twice a business day. We are so inundated with cell phone "information" that the moment it pops onto our radar, the brain automatically tunes it out.
Now it is too late. The Cell Borg (Cellular technology cyborgs)have landed. Resistance is Futile (Or so they would have us believe).
You've seen em. People walking about with a hands - free device clipped to their ear, with the microphone sticking out a couple inches further (just enough to pick up your speech without messing up peripheral vision). They were designed for the commuter, the self important (explicative deleted)'s who cannot be out of reach at any time. The world and business might collapse in the time it takes to get from home to the office. How can the project be ready for presentation if I can not harass my business assets?
The Cell Borg are another breed altogether. You see em in the restaurant, the store, the bar still clipped into the network. Even on the rare occasion when they aren't actually talking to someone, they must stay clipped in anticipation of future calls. If the devices didn't need to be recharged you could bet the most hardcore would sleep with em clipped to their ear, just in case.
The Cell Borg are dangerous. They are never fully focused on their surroundings. Half of their hearing is constantly muffled. They are dangerous again in that people who "want to get ahead" in business will find that they need to be this constantly available to their employers and clients. To opt out of the Cell Borg will be to raise the "I'm not a team player" flag. Goodbye promotions. Hello pink slip when the lay offs come.
It's not too late. Their numbers are still few enough. We must label these people as ultra techno geeks. Whenever you see a Cell Borg wearing their device inside, they must be treated with the utmost contempt, as if they have committed the most unspeakable act of barbarism. I hate to be branded luddite, but the Cell Borg must be stopped before it's too late.
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People haven't caught on yet, because the invasion was hidden the only ways something so massive can be hidden in the twenty four hour news age. It is by completely swamping every form of media (television, radio, newspapers, websites, billboards and any flat surface of public transportation) with cell phone related news, tidbits and advertisements. Every other night the local TV station will do a "special segment" (also known as a sweeps ratings booster) on the current trend in cellular technology or the current cell phone related laws and how they will affect you. Every fax machine has a cell phone offer roll off twice a business day. We are so inundated with cell phone "information" that the moment it pops onto our radar, the brain automatically tunes it out.
Now it is too late. The Cell Borg (Cellular technology cyborgs)have landed. Resistance is Futile (Or so they would have us believe).
You've seen em. People walking about with a hands - free device clipped to their ear, with the microphone sticking out a couple inches further (just enough to pick up your speech without messing up peripheral vision). They were designed for the commuter, the self important (explicative deleted)'s who cannot be out of reach at any time. The world and business might collapse in the time it takes to get from home to the office. How can the project be ready for presentation if I can not harass my business assets?
The Cell Borg are another breed altogether. You see em in the restaurant, the store, the bar still clipped into the network. Even on the rare occasion when they aren't actually talking to someone, they must stay clipped in anticipation of future calls. If the devices didn't need to be recharged you could bet the most hardcore would sleep with em clipped to their ear, just in case.
The Cell Borg are dangerous. They are never fully focused on their surroundings. Half of their hearing is constantly muffled. They are dangerous again in that people who "want to get ahead" in business will find that they need to be this constantly available to their employers and clients. To opt out of the Cell Borg will be to raise the "I'm not a team player" flag. Goodbye promotions. Hello pink slip when the lay offs come.
It's not too late. Their numbers are still few enough. We must label these people as ultra techno geeks. Whenever you see a Cell Borg wearing their device inside, they must be treated with the utmost contempt, as if they have committed the most unspeakable act of barbarism. I hate to be branded luddite, but the Cell Borg must be stopped before it's too late.
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posted by Rich Rosenthal II at 3:25 PM
6 Comments:
Resistance is futile!
I'm not a Cell Borg - I just had to use the quote! loved your post!
Bill Bryson in Notes from a Small Island does a hilarious little piece on obnoxious cell-phone users, written long before everyone actually had a cell phone.
I'd quote it right now if my books weren't all in bolxes.
Um... so are all hands-free device users labeled cellborgs? 'Cause sometimes I use one...
We come in peace!
Bear -- Thank you.
portugese nova -- I didn't want to get pled into the standard cell phone people are obnoxious rant, so i've been putting it off, even though ive been noticing a tonf of poor fools standing outside bars lately yapping away ob their phones shoulders hunxhed back to the breeze. When I saw 2 people in one day wearing their ear pieces in strange places It was a sign. (In the book store, while sitting with people in a restaurant).
Jenny -- Just the kind the wireless kind that clip to your ear, and only if yas wear it every waking hour. (or atleast every minute you are in public where people can see you talking on your nifty new toy.
if i bought one of those ear pieces (i'm assuming i'd actually have to get my own cell phone, too) i'd wear it just to hide the fact that i talk to myself, constantly. then again, i would no longer scare people.
Well Said!
I guess I was permenantly scarred by my experience with early cell phones ( the 8 lb bag phone ) and the charges you can rack up by yacking too much.
But even more than that, I hated having an electronic leash attached to me 24 hours a day. I decided that when I'm off work, I'm exactly that: OFF... I don't want to be bothered, or quizzed, or contacted when I'm done earning my pay.
There is definately something wrong with being "connected" 24/7/365.
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