Attack Of The Warped Perception

So I'm out walking and I spy (with my little eye) a couple of teenage girls holding hands as they sit at a bus stop. My body keeps walking, but the rational part of my brain just stops cold, the crude crocodile brain takes over and thinks:

Sweet. Lesbians.

Then my Inner Catholic (which is like an inner child, except with guilt) leaps up from its residence in the deepest bowels of my belly (Where else would the stomach acid monster lurk) and throttled my crocodile brain but good and gave the rational brain a good working over as well. The rational brain wanted to blame it all on pornography, but twelve years of catholic schooling made the Inner Catholic strong.

The rational brains argument is something like this:

Back in my fathers day pornography was a very dirty, dirty thing. The only places these films were available was at an adult theater (populated by trench coat wearing perverts and you didn't want to sit in the seats or even think about what a previous occupant did in them) and in stores we euphamistically refer to as "adult book shops." (Sure there may be reading material, but the greater portion of the bound material is more picture book than literature). To admit to having seen an adult film was to admit that one had actually patronized one of these establishments. No self respecting person would admit to this.

Shortly after that time, the magazines got a broader distribution. One didn't have to go to King John's Nasty Shack on route three. You could go to the local magazine shop or convenience store and get a copy from the guy behind the counter. If you looked old enough the proprietors would sell you the magazine. The "Moral Majority" types may have protested here and there and got the magazines taken off racks in this store or that store, but they didn't have the backing of the shrinks yet to tell em just how damaging these images might be to an adolescents developing ideas on sex and relationships. One might say that the average man one the street or behind the counter, rather, could see nothing wrong with a teenager seeing a nekkid woman or two. He might indulge in th thought, "If those magazines had been around when I was a lad (which they were just more limitedly available but out proprietor doesnt know that) I sure would have enjoyed looking at some boobies too. Builds character. Looking at boobies."

Then came the video tape revolution. The smut producers didn't have to spend quite so much time and money making a film and could make quite a bit of money selling the tapes. Sure at first most of these tapes were only available at such fine establishments as King John's Nasty Shack (route thre just past the golden arches), but soon you could find them almost anywhere magazines were sold, at any fleemarket and here in Chicago there were guys walking up and down Maxwell street waving video tapes, and yelling out obscene titles to passer's by. "Get your circus boobies! Nasty Hot Lesbian Bikers. He / She's From Outer Space."

So by the time I was a teenage lad the smut was easy to come by. I in fact made it even easier for other men may age and younger to get a hold of by selling my purchase to my classmates at an inflated rate. (after perusing the titles myself of course).

These movie taught me that at a drop of a hat, attractive women will have sex with each other. Oh you just broke up with your boyfriend ... I know what will make you feel better. Oh you have been a naughty girl ... maybe you need to be punished. Oh you are bored ... I know how to pass the time. Not only did the movies teach me that women like having sex with each other, but they also taught me any time a man walks in on two women having sex, he automatically becomes the center of attention.

The rational brain concludes its argument saying that pornography has warped the modern man to forget that lesbians aren't really interested in men, but are only having sex with each other because no man is present. This leads to the modern male to conclude that by encouraging women to have sex with each other it will somehow increase the male's chances of achieving the ultimate male fantasy : multiple sexual partners at the same time.


A nice bit of psycho babble from my rational brain but the inner catholic retaliated. These are teenagers. You don't even know if they are lesbians. You see them holding hands and jump to conclusions. They could just be very close friends sharing a moment. Even if they are lesbians there is absolutely nothing erotic about it. Again they are children. They are going to have an incredibly difficult time in a world that really doesn't accept their sexuality. Again they are children even glancing in their general direction should have you falling on the floor in paroxysms of guilt. Beast. Again lesbians do no sleep with men. There being together in no way increases your likelihood of having sex you moron (the inner catholic continues on in this vein for the rest of the walk and only pause long enough for the inner child to buy a donut and some cookies and then berates the inner child for unhealthy eating habits that negate the calories being burned by the walk).

I'm going to go play video games and drown out there argument.

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