Not As Imagined

So I'm at the dentist's office again yesterday and telling him about how the parents are off across the sea. He asks me if that means I have the house to myself for the duration, and when I confirm his suspicions with an affirmative grunt like sound, (Dental conversations are a pain. They ask you something then jam their hands in your mouth) the doc gets a big grin and says, "Well, Alright. Alright!"

This isn't the first time I had seen this response. Almost every man who I talk to gets the same fecal matter eating grin. They imagine some sort of bachelor foolishness that may involve nekkidness, beer, more nekkidness, drugs, nekkidness with multiple female partners, hard liquor, scratching, farting, nekkidness and more beer to be followed with nekkidness with a beer goggle enhanced lovely.

Reality is not quite what they imagined.

There are cats. Five of them. When free of the basement feeding / cat litter area these cats must be supervised. They will climb on everything. Two of them are particularly food focused and will tear the house apart to find some left over people food or a hidden bag of cat treats. One likes to knock over trash containers and root through them. One likes to steal towels and drag them around the house. As I have a soft spot for these feline monsters they are often free of the basement and I spend a entirely too much time threatening to toss them back in "the hole."

I have no little black book. I haven't been out and about much these past couple years since I've moved back to Chicago. I have no one to entice with the idea of breaking in 2 beds 2 futons and some other random furniture. (no kitchen floor. It needs cleaning). Then there is the fact that even if I did, I would probably feel obliged to clean the house in preparation. That's a lot of work. I'd have to start now to be ready for the weekend. I'll take a pass.

I suppose if I were willing to steal the emergency funds, there is always the dial a date option. This however is frightening on so many levels. Diseases. I don't have a strong enough faith in the protective powers of latex, especially as it covers a relatively small portion of the body (even smaller considering I am Irish) and there are so many possible points of bodily contact. Two minutes of "fun" followed by a lifetime of doctors visits (and a possibly dramatically shortened lifetime at that).

Drinking has always been a very social thing for me. We have a cabinet full of liquor and a fridge full of beer and I probably wont touch em. Need to have people to get stupid with if I'm going to be drinking. I also need about 5 packs of cigarettes. I can't deal with the hangovers well anyway. They bring back all the shame involved with all the stupid drunk things I did over the years. When hungover I want to crawl under a rock and hide, not from physical discomfort but because I can't face people. I'd really rather stay smoke free. I can not imagine quitting that habit again.

I like to join in the male fantasy of what I could be doing with this time. So far being home alone has meant: walking around with my shirt off when the mood strikes me, not having anyone turn off my three hour old pot of coffee, no commercial television, I picked everything coming from netflix, using my fathers laptop to surf the internet (but under no circumstances am I allowed to load any games on it), reading in any room in the house (with my shirt off and no televisions blaring), doing the full Al Bundy hand down the pants when the mood suits me, and being the first to read the paper when it arrives. Yes action, excitement: a jedi craves not these things.

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