Crackpot Theory: Death By Chocolate
So I think the Hershey company is trying to kill me. How one might ask? The new 70 calorie chocolate and caramel sticks. Seventy calories doesn't seem like much. A chocolate treat that shouldn't break any diet. It also doesn't satisfy.
The only reason one doesn't just pop one of these candies into one's mouth like the Halloween miniatures is that it is two long. One is forced to take at least one bite (two for people with smaller mouths). The candy must be between three and four inches long, much like a single kit kat, but it is thin, smaller than a pencil. One barely has the taste of chocolate in ones mouth with such a tiny thing.
Sure one might take daintily little nibbles, enjoying the flavor of every last bit of the chocolate and caramel mixture, but chocolate is like a drug, one doesn't want just a little bitty taste one wants a big mouth full. One wants to have every last corner of ones mouth filled with chocolate goodness. One wants to brush one's teeth three times after eating chocolate and still have a hint of chocolate squirreled away. So the seventy calorie treat is gone in the blink of an eye and the only thing to do is open another individually wrapped stick.
Here's the thing: The sticks come in a box of 9. Holy 630 calories Fatman! I'd list the grams of fat and all that noise but I think that is instant exclusion from the man club. (Though their are 25 calories from fat in each stick. I think I just skate by with that bit of info).
Then there is the entire chocolate syrup thing. I can not be left alone with the stuff. I put it in my coffee. I put it in my milk. Ice cream is a given. If I'm fairly sure no one will see my I will even squirt it straight into my mouth. (Heaven).
Normally in the post cardiac event household we would never have the evil that is known as Hershie's Chocolate Syrup. The old man has stricken it from the list of things that the mother (and therefore the rest of us) is allowed to eat. My cousin, however, has been spending a couple nights a week here this past summer rather than commute to school here from Joliet. On her way out to school she might say something like, "Do you need anything?" My mother always says "Mouse Tracks and chocolate sauce!" Sure we don't actually get it every time, but I'd have to say there has been a new bottle of the good stuff in the fridge at least every other week this summer. I don't think it is possible to walk long enough to out do the damage the syrup did.
Alas my cousin is off to study abroad for a year and the Hershey company has been foiled in their attempt to bring me to an early grave. (The nine pack of candy snack are a bit on the expensive side I don't see myself spending my hard borrowed cash on such a transient pleasure when I have other vices to feed).
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The only reason one doesn't just pop one of these candies into one's mouth like the Halloween miniatures is that it is two long. One is forced to take at least one bite (two for people with smaller mouths). The candy must be between three and four inches long, much like a single kit kat, but it is thin, smaller than a pencil. One barely has the taste of chocolate in ones mouth with such a tiny thing.
Sure one might take daintily little nibbles, enjoying the flavor of every last bit of the chocolate and caramel mixture, but chocolate is like a drug, one doesn't want just a little bitty taste one wants a big mouth full. One wants to have every last corner of ones mouth filled with chocolate goodness. One wants to brush one's teeth three times after eating chocolate and still have a hint of chocolate squirreled away. So the seventy calorie treat is gone in the blink of an eye and the only thing to do is open another individually wrapped stick.
Here's the thing: The sticks come in a box of 9. Holy 630 calories Fatman! I'd list the grams of fat and all that noise but I think that is instant exclusion from the man club. (Though their are 25 calories from fat in each stick. I think I just skate by with that bit of info).
Then there is the entire chocolate syrup thing. I can not be left alone with the stuff. I put it in my coffee. I put it in my milk. Ice cream is a given. If I'm fairly sure no one will see my I will even squirt it straight into my mouth. (Heaven).
Normally in the post cardiac event household we would never have the evil that is known as Hershie's Chocolate Syrup. The old man has stricken it from the list of things that the mother (and therefore the rest of us) is allowed to eat. My cousin, however, has been spending a couple nights a week here this past summer rather than commute to school here from Joliet. On her way out to school she might say something like, "Do you need anything?" My mother always says "Mouse Tracks and chocolate sauce!" Sure we don't actually get it every time, but I'd have to say there has been a new bottle of the good stuff in the fridge at least every other week this summer. I don't think it is possible to walk long enough to out do the damage the syrup did.
Alas my cousin is off to study abroad for a year and the Hershey company has been foiled in their attempt to bring me to an early grave. (The nine pack of candy snack are a bit on the expensive side I don't see myself spending my hard borrowed cash on such a transient pleasure when I have other vices to feed).
More Laters
posted by Rich Rosenthal II at 1:32 AM
2 Comments:
Have you tried any of the sugar free chocolates? Hershey's and Russell Stover make some good stuff. They still have a few calories, but if you're sensitive to sugar (an addict, like me), you can get a little chocolate satisfaction without triggering the addiction. A word of warning, though - the sweetener might upset your stomach - some people are more sensitive to it, it seems. (I'm one of those people. If you are too, take my word for it and don't eat a whole bag of Sugar Free Jelly Belly's, no matter how good they taste. It might result in a "Kohl's moment".)
i'm the same way with cashews. Even if i just take a few, I will get up and return to the pantry for more--until the can is gone and my stomach feels like a lead weight.
I had to ban myself from buying them. I simply can't be trusted around them.
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