Save Me Captain Freedom Pants
So the old man broke down an ordered cable television. He didn't want this. The idea of paying for commercial television is appalling to this man, but he knows the golden rule of marriage: If mamma aint happy, ain't nobody happy. Mamma wasn't happy with being stuck at home all day with nothing but netflix and myself to entertain her. Broadcast television offers little of value to fill the day. The mail carriers take their sweet time delivering the movies. I spend the vast majority of my day with my brain plugged into another place (Computers, books or when its warm enough exercise. It doesn't matter I can space out most any time).
It's been a while since I've had the pleasure of viewing cable television. I forgot about the joy that is cable advertisement. First of all there are even more commercials than on broadcast networks. "Right after these messages" means in ten or fifteen minutes. Need to go big potty? No problem. No Hurry. Need to do calculus home work, just set it up and hit mute during the commercial breaks.
Then there is the repetition. Missed the number on the Girls Gone Wild commercial. Don't worry. Every 15 minutes from somewhere around 9:00 P.M to 5:00 A.M the commercial will show. See the coed girls dance and wiggle. Understand that it is a to video value. Wonder why the girls didn't do that when you were that age. And now they have guys gone wild. The commercial for that one confuses me. I'm not sure if they are trying to appeal to women, gay men or both. I'm pretty sure it's gay men as I just cant see women getting excited about drunken frat boys. I could be totally off base here.
Then there are the infomercials and the infomercial channels. All day long on the home shopping channels the same fake jewelry is glinting off the screen. I think they have completely given up on the idea of selling anything else. Just rotate the shiny thing under the bright light and the people will call by the dozens.
I actually watched this car loan financier infomercial for thirty minutes or so. II couldn't help it. To start with there was a red bearded dwarf in a captain America outfit. He had the help of two, count them two, big haired female super heros. One was wonder woman. I couldn't identify the other costume, but she had hypnotic fishnet stockings and a tendency to kick her legs. The only thing that can complete this picture is a three hundred pound African American male in a fur coat yelling at people with a bull horn. This crew of financial super heros ride around on a short chartered bus, like the ones hotels use to shuttle people to the airport. This is quality entertainment. I'm not sure if it works to improve sales.
Lest we forget every local bankruptcy attorney has a commercial on cable television. Apparently people who cant pay the rent, pay the cable bill.
In summary cable television, while filled with commercials, is the land that marketing either forgot or just couldn't be bothered with. These appeals for inventors kits or cheap plastic toys offend me in that they don't even care enough to present their product in appealing way. Just slap a couple images on the screen and make sure the phone number is in big white letters on a blue screen at the end of the commercial. I leave my non existent credit card in my wallet thank you very much. (unless it can pay for some time with wonder woman and her fishnet stocking friend).
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It's been a while since I've had the pleasure of viewing cable television. I forgot about the joy that is cable advertisement. First of all there are even more commercials than on broadcast networks. "Right after these messages" means in ten or fifteen minutes. Need to go big potty? No problem. No Hurry. Need to do calculus home work, just set it up and hit mute during the commercial breaks.
Then there is the repetition. Missed the number on the Girls Gone Wild commercial. Don't worry. Every 15 minutes from somewhere around 9:00 P.M to 5:00 A.M the commercial will show. See the coed girls dance and wiggle. Understand that it is a to video value. Wonder why the girls didn't do that when you were that age. And now they have guys gone wild. The commercial for that one confuses me. I'm not sure if they are trying to appeal to women, gay men or both. I'm pretty sure it's gay men as I just cant see women getting excited about drunken frat boys. I could be totally off base here.
Then there are the infomercials and the infomercial channels. All day long on the home shopping channels the same fake jewelry is glinting off the screen. I think they have completely given up on the idea of selling anything else. Just rotate the shiny thing under the bright light and the people will call by the dozens.
I actually watched this car loan financier infomercial for thirty minutes or so. II couldn't help it. To start with there was a red bearded dwarf in a captain America outfit. He had the help of two, count them two, big haired female super heros. One was wonder woman. I couldn't identify the other costume, but she had hypnotic fishnet stockings and a tendency to kick her legs. The only thing that can complete this picture is a three hundred pound African American male in a fur coat yelling at people with a bull horn. This crew of financial super heros ride around on a short chartered bus, like the ones hotels use to shuttle people to the airport. This is quality entertainment. I'm not sure if it works to improve sales.
Lest we forget every local bankruptcy attorney has a commercial on cable television. Apparently people who cant pay the rent, pay the cable bill.
In summary cable television, while filled with commercials, is the land that marketing either forgot or just couldn't be bothered with. These appeals for inventors kits or cheap plastic toys offend me in that they don't even care enough to present their product in appealing way. Just slap a couple images on the screen and make sure the phone number is in big white letters on a blue screen at the end of the commercial. I leave my non existent credit card in my wallet thank you very much. (unless it can pay for some time with wonder woman and her fishnet stocking friend).
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posted by Rich Rosenthal II at 1:50 AM
2 Comments:
You know, when I always yammer on about my small town roots and how I can never return because I am a "city person at heart"...I think what I'm really trying to say is that I can never, ever go without cable television again. And I am not trying to be one of those braggy hippies when I say that I watch very little t.v. Maybe a couple of hours a week. But I would die without cable. It is so lovely.
I hope you have On Demand. It is even lovlier when you can just select whatever you want to watch all commercial free whenever you want.
Unfortunatley, day time cable is just as bad as daytime network t.v.
Mom and Dad still don't have cable. When i visit over holidays and such, I can't decide which is worse--nothing to watch on 7 channels or nothing to watch on 150 channels. Each has its perks.
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