Crackpot Theory: Dakota Fanning
So the mother is convinced that Dakota Fanning isn't aging, that she has been stuck at the same age for the last five years or so. She wonders if "they" (this is the Hollywood they, not the vast right wing conspiracy they or the Vatican they or even the alien Asian mice) are doing something with hormones to stunt this child's growth, to postpone or eliminate adolescence, so that she can keep em in fat cash staring as a cute, but smart little girl.
I do not buy into this theory, even though I like it. (I'm willing to believe the worst about any "them" that comes to mind). The child has changed slightly over the years. Not that I've made a study of her (that would be creepy in a sick and twisted way that if one were even to consider going there they will put you in jail and men would make you do bad bad things for the rest of your now shortened life) I've just caught the occasional interview on the late night shows. I'm sure that her agents and the magic of costuming + makeup can forestall the appearance of this child getting older for a bit longer, but sooner or later the boob fairy will arrive and she will have to start making teenage romantic comedies.
No the child is definitely growing, but there is something very creepy that I have noticed. When ever an adult who stars in a movie with her does the publicity tours they always praise her up and down. Now it would be wrong if any adult criticized the kids they were in movies with. I don't expect em to get on the TV and say, "Dakota Fanning? What a major pain in the hind end." Still it seems as if every person she has been in contact with is almost afraid to not praise the child enough, as if there will be retribution should they fail in their mission.
My crackpot theory is that Dakota Fanning is more than just a child. She is either got super mental powers to bend all these adults to her will, or she is some kind of child terminator (like the woman in terminator 3 except without the greasy hair and leather clothing). Perhaps she was developed in some volcano laboratory and there is a bunch of technological wizardry in a secret room in her home. The adults know that if they fail to advance the career of the Fanning Terminator, she will crush them in her freakishly strong hands. These TV interviews aren't just a way to promote their movies and increase their incomes, their very lives depend on whether they please the Fanning.
Ack! I may be endangering myself with these speculations. It's time to get away and hide out under an assumed name for a while. Keep an eye on the obituaries and see if she is hunting down my loved ones.
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I do not buy into this theory, even though I like it. (I'm willing to believe the worst about any "them" that comes to mind). The child has changed slightly over the years. Not that I've made a study of her (that would be creepy in a sick and twisted way that if one were even to consider going there they will put you in jail and men would make you do bad bad things for the rest of your now shortened life) I've just caught the occasional interview on the late night shows. I'm sure that her agents and the magic of costuming + makeup can forestall the appearance of this child getting older for a bit longer, but sooner or later the boob fairy will arrive and she will have to start making teenage romantic comedies.
No the child is definitely growing, but there is something very creepy that I have noticed. When ever an adult who stars in a movie with her does the publicity tours they always praise her up and down. Now it would be wrong if any adult criticized the kids they were in movies with. I don't expect em to get on the TV and say, "Dakota Fanning? What a major pain in the hind end." Still it seems as if every person she has been in contact with is almost afraid to not praise the child enough, as if there will be retribution should they fail in their mission.
My crackpot theory is that Dakota Fanning is more than just a child. She is either got super mental powers to bend all these adults to her will, or she is some kind of child terminator (like the woman in terminator 3 except without the greasy hair and leather clothing). Perhaps she was developed in some volcano laboratory and there is a bunch of technological wizardry in a secret room in her home. The adults know that if they fail to advance the career of the Fanning Terminator, she will crush them in her freakishly strong hands. These TV interviews aren't just a way to promote their movies and increase their incomes, their very lives depend on whether they please the Fanning.
Ack! I may be endangering myself with these speculations. It's time to get away and hide out under an assumed name for a while. Keep an eye on the obituaries and see if she is hunting down my loved ones.
More Laters
posted by Rich Rosenthal II at 9:16 PM
4 Comments:
Actually, I heard that Dakota's using her vast resources to "aquire" Haley Joel Osment's brain.
Since his parents keep it in a jar at their state-of-the-art flying cloud mansion, there's little chance for her to get her greedy little tentacles, er. . . hands on it.
*ahem*
I too, shall now hide.
My god! It's bigger than I thought. Regular people are afraid of the Dakota Fanning Terminator!
Run chris ! Run for your life.
I've been thinking, and i cannot come up with a connection to the AAA with Dakota. At least not a direct one. I shall sleep a little easier.
AAA as in the auto people? or did you mean the AAM?
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