There is no fun in divorce

I think maybe this is the last place I want to be, but right now, I can’t think of anywhere that I’d rather be—when in bed and under the covers doesn’t sound comforting, nothing does.

Right now, I’m just trying to figure out why I feel like I’m at the center of all of this—to be more correct, why my sisters and I are feeling at the center of this. It has nothing to do with us.

The crazy is seeping in.
History tells us that there are always two sides to a story (at least). While the sides may come together with a collective answer of what happened, the because of the matter is usually not defined into one explanation—nor can it be. So, what if, in a moral sense, I chose the wrong side to defend. When I’m not thinking too hard about it, everything adds up to me having chosen the right side to defend. Her behavior is the one that is off—she is the one acting erratic, she’s the one who is paranoid---but I would be too, if no one believed a word I said. What if, at first, I wanted to believe that she had to be the root of the issue—and now I am looking through some sort of “mom is crazy” lens and thus, that is all I see—because right now, the “mom is not crazy” lens is terrifying and leaves me re-thinking everything and leaves me in the wrong.

The crazy is seeping in.
I hate to sound four, but she started it. She threw him out. She asked for the divorce papers. She will say anything to change those subjects: He didn’t beg to stay, he didn’t ask to come back, he didn’t have to leave, he abandoned me. But, if you ask her directly, she will acknowledge that he didn’t have much of a choice. As for the divorce papers, she denies that her lawyer issued any. She actually denies having a lawyer—for which I am at a loss for words—she did at one time. I need proof and I’m going to have to ask dad for that, regardless of how it might make him feel. I didn’t know until today that he lived for 3 days out of his truck this January because he was too embarrassed to tell anyone she kicked him out. He says he didn’t want people to hate her for it.

Her because to the situation contradicts everything I remember from my childhood. She must be a great actress. She says she was never happy, that dad never did anything for her, that he was a bad father—and this is where I end it because this is most certainly not true. Sometimes I think she is reflecting her father's actions onto my dad—her husband….or soon to be ex….or whatever. Her father was and alcoholic who was abusive and self-serving, later unemployed due to his drinking and even more belligerent—not my father. His paycheck went directly into the bank. He had people over to the house, but he never went out after work. He rebuilt her kitchen, built us a barn, kept the cars running, kept the house repairs up, took us to church and on and on and on. How could she say he didn’t do anything for us—let alone all of the memories we have of time spent with dad. It’s a slap in the face to have her tell me my father wasn’t a good father. Not that she wasn’t a good mother—because there was no one better—she too gave us all of her time and love.

So what does he say? That he loves her. He cries-not that she doesn’t, she does. But she is angry and hateful when she cries. He is just hurt. He says that he feels like he has died and is stuck watching from above, powerless to help her as she falls apart. And then I cry.
Sadly he assumes that it is something he has done. That there has to be something he did in the past. He knows that she is sick, but he can’t stop blaming himself.

My dilemma is that he sounds like the sane one, he says the right things, and I don’t want to believe anything bad. But what if he knows what he’s doing—playing to sympathies. The crazy seeps in deep now. How can I doubt my father? What have I done to my mother? As my sister said, you can look at it anyway you like, but there is no fun in divorce.