Food Network Is Evil

Back in the day when men were men and the pizza place was on speed dial one Mr Joe Cool and I knew exactly which pizza place in town had a two for one special on exactly which day. To say we had a few pizzas is a gross understatement. We lived off the Holy mana known as Pizza or if when we were flush with cash we would splurge on monster burger feasts at the local Hardee's. (Mmmmm Bacon and Beef).

The idea of perhaps buying fresh ingredients and occasionally cooking a meal was utterly alien to our busy minds. We had important games to play on our respective computers or perhaps it was marathon movie day on cable and we had to crash out in our dual recliners (while one Miss Shy mayor may not have been asleep under the blankets on the couch. You were never really sure if she was under there or if the blankets were just puffed up a bit).

Sometimes just for the sheer irony of it when the pizza arrived we would switch over to the food network. Nothing like scarfing down an entire pizza and drinking a carbonated beverage right out of the one liter bottle while watching some professional chef go to town on some real gourmet meals. Food network was fun. I could sit there and say, "Man I wouldn't mind a piece of that quiche" (ok maybe not quiche isn't exactly gourmet, just fun to say. Quiche). All the while I would happy scarf down a sausage mushroom and green pepper.

Now the mother (aka the crazy woman) has discovered the food network. It wasn't bad at first. She would watch the people make the food and comment on how she would like this or perhaps how she would like that without all the spices (Rachel Ray has a twisted notion of making almost every meal spicy). I would sit there and think "Wow attractive women with lots of cleavage or at least very clingy clothing making really fatty food. How can they eat all that stuff. Are those things real?!"
Heck even when it isn't extremely attractive women making the food all the food is pretty incredible.

Then one day I got lazy. The mother asked me to hurry up and get her a paper and pen so she could write down this potato recipe. Rather than have her get all nuts about trying to remember a recipe given on the television while I gathered pen and paper I let her know about how the food network website.

I even brought it up in her browser and book marked it for her.

And now she has gone recipe crazy. She has a binder that is slowly filling up with print outs. This wouldn't be bad except she is showing em to the old man and he is buying the ingredients. I'm expected to cook. I hate cooking.

You can not read while you cook.

You can not let your mind wander while you cook.

Your mind must be on the work at hand. Food on a hot pan can burn easily. The vegetables don't just magically finish themselves at the same time as the entree. If you want your food to come out right you have to stay on top of it.

Then you have to clean dishes.

Waaargh.

In summary: Pizza is the perfect food. Food Network should never be shown to people who don't actually prepare the food they want to eat. I'm lazy.

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