Anniversaries
So the thirty first anniversary of my birth is less than a month away and I usually start getting all introspective this time of year. The fact that I'm getting another year older only vaguely bothers me in the same way it has since I realized that I am indeed mortal and not really sure about this entire god afterlife business. The fear of aging fear of death is a low grade anxiety, easily put with reading, gaming and other activities I wont name, but most of the gutter minded could probably figure out.
Rather than contemplate the significance of age, I contemplate other anniversaries. I haven't worked since January 2002 I think about the fun I've had in that time. I think about how I haven't written anything for publication, at least not anything I could try and sell. I think when will I ever have so much time away form a job again to try and accomplish any serious writing.
I quit smoking in 2002. Sure I've had cigarettes on the rare occasion that I got drunk, but I never went back to it full time. I think about the 10 years I spent being a smoker and just how this time every year I would get a "cold" which was probably some sort of infection as it lasted throughout the winter months. I wonder how much I damaged my lungs, and the vaguely about the cancer risks.
I think about the last time I got hammered. It was my brother's wedding. I spent the vast majority of the night hanging out at the bar. I must have stole 2 packs of cigarettes from people. That hangover lasted days. It stays with me. The last time I even started to feel a little bit buzzed after drinking a couple bears too fast (this past summer) I immediately slowed myself down. The memory of pain fades, but the memory of past shame remember and relived with the hangover stays strong. Just thinking about all my stupid drunk adventures makes me want to sit in a corner and hide.
I start thinking about the entire sex thing and the lack there of then I start adding up the numbers, and I find something else to be thinking about. Though before I move on I usually think about my age and lack of children, something that never used to bother me. I suppose my latest niece is to blame. Spend so much time with a child when the first come into the world and you can't help but think about it. When I worked in a bar and every night off was a party I sure didn't want children. I'd feel responsible, I wouldn't be able to waste money on booze and smokes.
Thirty one years. No Job. No Degree. No Savings. No kids. No wife. (No ex - wife). Bad Credit. (Though no debt but student loans). Balding. Still scared of driving. Terrified of women (In specific. Not in general. That is to say I don't go running and screaming at the sight of em, just usually takes an act of god (or alcohol) to get me to approach one). Still have vague apprehensions about the telephone. Geek in every sense of the word (except the old school bighting heads of chiken sense). Can not drink socially.
These are not the ingredients of a positive mental outlook and high self esteem. I suppose on the plus side the doctor supervised weight loss goals are coming along fairly well. I'll probably get enrolled in the degree completetion program WIU is offering (Online classes means never having to listen to a whiney 17 year old). I still feel smarter than most people I encounter. (Even if its a delusion its one I'm willing to live with). And of course the internet is filled with nekkid women.
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Rather than contemplate the significance of age, I contemplate other anniversaries. I haven't worked since January 2002 I think about the fun I've had in that time. I think about how I haven't written anything for publication, at least not anything I could try and sell. I think when will I ever have so much time away form a job again to try and accomplish any serious writing.
I quit smoking in 2002. Sure I've had cigarettes on the rare occasion that I got drunk, but I never went back to it full time. I think about the 10 years I spent being a smoker and just how this time every year I would get a "cold" which was probably some sort of infection as it lasted throughout the winter months. I wonder how much I damaged my lungs, and the vaguely about the cancer risks.
I think about the last time I got hammered. It was my brother's wedding. I spent the vast majority of the night hanging out at the bar. I must have stole 2 packs of cigarettes from people. That hangover lasted days. It stays with me. The last time I even started to feel a little bit buzzed after drinking a couple bears too fast (this past summer) I immediately slowed myself down. The memory of pain fades, but the memory of past shame remember and relived with the hangover stays strong. Just thinking about all my stupid drunk adventures makes me want to sit in a corner and hide.
I start thinking about the entire sex thing and the lack there of then I start adding up the numbers, and I find something else to be thinking about. Though before I move on I usually think about my age and lack of children, something that never used to bother me. I suppose my latest niece is to blame. Spend so much time with a child when the first come into the world and you can't help but think about it. When I worked in a bar and every night off was a party I sure didn't want children. I'd feel responsible, I wouldn't be able to waste money on booze and smokes.
Thirty one years. No Job. No Degree. No Savings. No kids. No wife. (No ex - wife). Bad Credit. (Though no debt but student loans). Balding. Still scared of driving. Terrified of women (In specific. Not in general. That is to say I don't go running and screaming at the sight of em, just usually takes an act of god (or alcohol) to get me to approach one). Still have vague apprehensions about the telephone. Geek in every sense of the word (except the old school bighting heads of chiken sense). Can not drink socially.
These are not the ingredients of a positive mental outlook and high self esteem. I suppose on the plus side the doctor supervised weight loss goals are coming along fairly well. I'll probably get enrolled in the degree completetion program WIU is offering (Online classes means never having to listen to a whiney 17 year old). I still feel smarter than most people I encounter. (Even if its a delusion its one I'm willing to live with). And of course the internet is filled with nekkid women.
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posted by Rich Rosenthal II at 12:35 AM
3 Comments:
I just turned the big THREE-ONE three days ago. Ain't no thang, yo. I mean, if you're looking for them, any person can find a whole slough of things wrong with themselves on any given birthday. Doesn't make you broken. Makes you not an average asshole.
I have to defend you, you see, to defend myself. If you gripe too much about our similar situations, I might start to doubt my superiority. That cannot be allowed to happen.
And, dude... I can accept the occasional misspelling... but bighting = biting? It's like you're trying to throw a spelling bee for the money. It's not worth it, man. It just ain't worth it.
The spelling errors are a direct result of writing these things just before I go to bed after a long day of numbing my brain. I really need an editor. I think its time to recruit a third person to be shockingly provincial (joe cool just cant be counted as number three any more). And the Shy should write soon. Because I said so. So there. hah.
Recruit close to home for your 3rd Shockingly Provincial contributor. Never know who might be interested in an occasional rant or revelation.
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