Verb: To Beer
So the folks went to an annual Christmas party that is a gather of people from the old neighborhood (old church really) and because everyone there knows just how good a cook the old man is, they demand that he brings a ham each time. The people are amazed at how good his ham is. The ham is always huge. You look at that hind quarter and wonder at the size of the beast it came from. Not a creature I would want to meet in a dark alley. Not a creature I would want to meet in broad day light for that matter. Its a pig. He can not talk or will not and we just haven't figure it out yet. The results are the same either way: No pig conversations.
It is also tender. None of this fat free cooking in our ham. Sure he trims away most of the fat before cooking it but enough is left on to keep the meat tender. After the meal when the meat has cooled you can slice the ham to make sandwiches and by that time the fat is white and solid and easy to spot for disposal. A deft hand with a knife and you have a tender almost fat free sandwich.
Then we come to the part that people can not believe. The ham is not salty. "How can it be?" the ask. The secret is in the beer. See every hour as the ham is cooking we open up the oven and poor a beer on it. I am not sure of the specifics of what takes place, but it results in the salt being drawn out of the meat. Is it the beer? Is it the carbonation. We have used many different types of beer over the years. I've never noticed any discernible difference in taste. What ever beer is at hand will do. I try to make sure the beer I don't like is at the front of the fridge.
So tomorrow we are having our annual guilt ham. This is the ham the old man makes because we had to sit in a house all day and smell it cooking the week before and then he takes it away to a Christmas party where they eat every last bite. Nothing comes home. Sure they may send the folks home with a plate of cookies or maybe some dumplings to appease the poor child (that would be me). But these carnivores manage to polish of a thirty pound ham in a matter of hours. Bastards.
Anyway tomorrow is guilt ham day, yet the old man really doesn't have the time to cook it. He has some work he needs to do during the day so the plan is to get up early remove the fat and clove the ham and shove it in the oven. Then he is going to wake me up "to beer" the ham. (Goodbye nasty Rolling Rock). Now I have no problem doing this. Back in the day I might have seen this as an opportunity to go one for the ham one for me, but now I think, "A carbonated beverage first thing in the morning? Good lord all that stomach acid would kill me."
What I really need to know is: Are we properly using the verb "to beer?" Often people say "Beer me." This means. Give me a beer or get me a beer. In the morning I will beer the ham. That is I am going to pour beer over the ham, not fetch it for the ham. Perhaps I need to consult Mental Multivitamin for the educators perspective. This, after all, is a question of diction and not to be taken litely (Yes the miller lite misspelling was intentional.)
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It is also tender. None of this fat free cooking in our ham. Sure he trims away most of the fat before cooking it but enough is left on to keep the meat tender. After the meal when the meat has cooled you can slice the ham to make sandwiches and by that time the fat is white and solid and easy to spot for disposal. A deft hand with a knife and you have a tender almost fat free sandwich.
Then we come to the part that people can not believe. The ham is not salty. "How can it be?" the ask. The secret is in the beer. See every hour as the ham is cooking we open up the oven and poor a beer on it. I am not sure of the specifics of what takes place, but it results in the salt being drawn out of the meat. Is it the beer? Is it the carbonation. We have used many different types of beer over the years. I've never noticed any discernible difference in taste. What ever beer is at hand will do. I try to make sure the beer I don't like is at the front of the fridge.
So tomorrow we are having our annual guilt ham. This is the ham the old man makes because we had to sit in a house all day and smell it cooking the week before and then he takes it away to a Christmas party where they eat every last bite. Nothing comes home. Sure they may send the folks home with a plate of cookies or maybe some dumplings to appease the poor child (that would be me). But these carnivores manage to polish of a thirty pound ham in a matter of hours. Bastards.
Anyway tomorrow is guilt ham day, yet the old man really doesn't have the time to cook it. He has some work he needs to do during the day so the plan is to get up early remove the fat and clove the ham and shove it in the oven. Then he is going to wake me up "to beer" the ham. (Goodbye nasty Rolling Rock). Now I have no problem doing this. Back in the day I might have seen this as an opportunity to go one for the ham one for me, but now I think, "A carbonated beverage first thing in the morning? Good lord all that stomach acid would kill me."
What I really need to know is: Are we properly using the verb "to beer?" Often people say "Beer me." This means. Give me a beer or get me a beer. In the morning I will beer the ham. That is I am going to pour beer over the ham, not fetch it for the ham. Perhaps I need to consult Mental Multivitamin for the educators perspective. This, after all, is a question of diction and not to be taken litely (Yes the miller lite misspelling was intentional.)
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posted by Rich Rosenthal II at 2:38 AM
1 Comments:
i've never beered a ham. i've always cooked ham with a can of apple pie filling dumped on it. the sweet with the salty is perfect. however, i shall give this beering of the ham a shot the next time i cook a ham.
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